Weapons in Space

Anacondas IV. Or Something

2009-03-01T22:41:00.003-05:00

Pat: I'm here
Christian: give us the go, mike
Pat: They had to trim the movie to fit it in to two hours?
10:18 PM Christian: it said 'edited', right?
me: opening scene
readygo
Pat: I'm at the TV-14
Christian: going
me: this is Anaconda's trail of blood
nice vincent price music
the serum makes snakes bigger
......
10:19 PM why do we want to do this
s
Pat: Why do we always mess with the snakes?
me: also apparently that snake was filled with peanut butter
Pat: Effects budget = gone
me: anyway, here's the deal. this scientist has made a serum that makes snakes bigger and makes them regenerate
10:20 PM or maybe it makes anything regenerate, and he's starting with snakes?
Christian: which, as far as i can tell, has nothing to do with the j-lo/ice cube anaconda movie
Pat: And meaner and more hungry
Christian: which disappoints me
me: wait for that to come
i'm sure jon voight is in this
he's doing 24, after all
sweet georgia brown
Pat: 'faster metabolic rate'. That's some science there
me: a huge snake is busting in to this lab
10:21 PM ah ha
the serum would revolutionize medicine
Christian: there we go
Pat: It's like Weapon X/Wolverine, except with snakes
me: this is more like medicine man than anaconda
Christian: giant snake on the loose 5 minutes in
me: you ever lose your car keys?
also, thank god this is in HD
10:22 PM Christian: bring in the dwarf!
me: technically this is http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1150934/
anaconda 4
10:23 PM Pat: Hmm.. It's generic potty blonde assistant
me: rhys-davies is reprising his role from anaconda 3
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1137996/
which had the hof!
Christian: they call her "Ginny"
Christian has left
10:24 PM Christian has joined
Christian: what'd i miss?
10:25 PM i hope a main character didn't provide necessary exposition while i was gone
Pat: None worth noting anyway.
Find the serum. Kill girl scientist if necessary.
You have a week before I die.
10:26 PM Christian: jon rhys-davies wants to turn his bones into anacondas using the serum
me: exactly
so he can be one with the anaconda
i think he also wants to split himself using the serum, as the anacondas will do
to be two-pronged
if you know what i'm saying
you know
you know
Christian: i have no idea what you're saying
10:27 PM Pat: So he can be in even more Sci-Fi channel movies at once?
me: ANACONDA vision
all these movies have this
Predator really popularized it
10:28 PM Pat: Predator vision
me: the POV
Pat: yes
It even sounds like the Predator
me: y'know
it's the cast of anaconda 3
apparently
10:29 PM Christian: we're hopeless lost, not having seen anacondas 3
10:30 PM me: i don't feel the same urgency and drama as i would have if i'd spent 2 hours with these characters before
Christian: let me get this straight
Pat: Ready after commercial
10:31 PM me: ready
Christian: ready
viggo mortensen - history of violence; eastern promises
orlando bloom - pirates of the caribbean franchise
jon rhys-davies - anacondas 4?
Pat: Are we go?
me: that's right
10:32 PM ready chris?
Christian: yes, see above
me: oh
hah
okaygo
10:33 PM Christian: i don't understand the plot yet
there is a big snake out there
and?
10:34 PM me: um
Christian: are we looking for it?
me: i think a bunch of horny archelogists are driving around
Pat: This stuff in the SUV's, is that necessary? Was that even scripted?
Christian: are we running away from it?
me: looking for the plot
that's what they're looking for
Christian: nice
perfect
anacondas 5: search for the plot
10:35 PM it seems to me you can either be looking for it or running away from it
there's really not much else
somehow, i'm not sure which one they're doing
Pat: Predator noises again
10:36 PM me: okay, but what are these people doing?
Christian: the effects in this movie seem to be mostly ominous shots of nothing
me: and are they in the amazon?
this sort of seems foresty to me
Christian: i don't think they're in the amazon
which bothers me a lot
j-lo never would have let this happen
me: oh
Pat: Eastern Eurpoe
me: she's looking for flowers
10:37 PM Pat: WTF is going on
Yes
me: what was up with the guy looking for his grandma's house?
she's stealing his jeep?
oh shit
Pat: What's with the flowers?
Sweet mamma jamma, that's a snake!
me: "what the hell is going on?" he asks
"you have no idea, keep moving" she says
10:38 PM Christian: who was that old guy?
me: THANK YOU
Pat: I'd love to know!
me: i think that guy is the audience representative
Christian: yes
yes definitely
me: you know, i think this is ok
no plot
just people running around a forest that's supposed to be jungle getting eaten
if you
think you should
run around a jungle
DON'T
DON'T
Christian: I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF THEY'RE CHASING IT OR RUNNING AWAY FROM IT
10:39 PM me: well, they're running away from it now, it's eating them
or not
it just got smooshed
this is like the end of anacondas 3
maybe that's what this is
Pat: Movie is over. Oh wait, it regenerates I think
me: i think the ladder blew up on it
Christian: oh no! she . . . fell off a ladder?
10:40 PM me: dude
it would be awesome if he just boosted her wallet and ran
um
didn't the snake bite it?
Pat: Where's team 1?
me: why's he running with a gun?
Pat: Where's the dude with the $1M
10:41 PM me: oh shit
it's... another anaconda?
Christian: i thought it died?
is it another one?
Pat: Um yeah, I think a predator is near. We don't need to be reminded of what she said 10 mins ago
me: what's up with poor man's Bryan Cranston
Pat: Team 1?
me: and also, i though the plot of this was that one anaconda splits and becomes two anacondas
this is not that compelling if there's multiple anacondas
10:42 PM Pat: Um, don't snakes swallow their prey?
me: not when they're CGI
Pat: Ah
me: anyway, it seems like base camp was eaten
Pat: I'm cued up.
Christian: or at least gnawed on
i'm ready
10:43 PM me: readygo
Christian: so far, this movie is: 1) shots of forest; 2) people looking at the forest; 3) occasional anacondas doing something
Pat: This must be team 1
or not
I have no idea
Christian: forest
looking at forest
forest
Pat: Oh wait, Team 1 was eaten in base camp.
10:44 PM me: ok but
Pat: Or not,
me: aren't anacondas found in RAIN forests
not forest forests
that dude looks like darren mccarty
10:45 PM Christian: "we're too far into this deciduous forest!"
me: so now poor man's bryan cranston and the funky bunch are going to the eaten base camp
Christian: "the park ranger station is a good 500 yards back!"
me: the kid is running through the forest
Pat: ah
me: anaconda 3 lady is knocked out
Pat: $1m dude
Christian: here we go, evil people also in the forest for some reason
me: and the bad guys have finally arrived, led by the million dollar man
ted dibiase
10:46 PM the one dude in the tank top looks like french stewart
Christian: so team 1 isn't the dead people?
10:47 PM Pat: So there's team 2, team 1, and team that died before we met them
Christian: and evil guys
Pat: And we STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE DOING HERE
me: ok
Pat: Except the evil guys, they're looking to get the serum
me: the kid was going to grandma house
evil guys get serum, kill everybody
10:48 PM Christian: music says he's about to die
me: snakes, on phone with agent hoping to get into better movie
scientist, looking to blow up some flowers (?)
Christian: looking at forest
nothing happening in forest
looking some more
me: JRD needs the serum so he can regrow his anaconda
Christian: hayoooo
there it is
me: cinematographer, auditioning for nature documentary
Christian: nature, auditioning for better movie
10:49 PM with better cinematographer
Pat: Hoping to be in "Planet Earth 2"
me: at least, when they show the 19th shot of the forest trying to be creepy
they should have it all go black and white, like the opening credits of Tales From the Darkside
that'd at least help
10:50 PM didn't this lady have an accent in the scene previous?
Pat: I hope they find snakes at the excavation site.
(What were they trying to excavate?)
10:51 PM Christian: i hope a snake turns to the camera and explains to me what the hell is going on
Pat: That would be amazing. Snake narrator
10:52 PM So, 45 mins into this thing. Only the obligatory opening scene snake killing
Christian: all i know is that there are people in the forest for some reason, and also snakes, maybe
Pat: I'm ready
Christian: ready
me: readygo
10:53 PM that was a very helpful flashback to anacondas 3
Pat: Man, Anacondas 3 looks way way way cooler.
me: i was hoping they'd have cube be all like "there's snakes out there this big?!?!"
Christian: it looks like it had snakes
me: and then like do a powerpoint explaining the plot
Christian: and those 5 seconds had more direction than all of anacondas 4 so far
10:54 PM snake did bad thing, more bad thing, she got mad, killed them
Pat: And it had the Hoff, which has to be entertaining. At least you know he's not taking anything seriously
Christian: i miss tara reid
and i really miss jon voight
10:55 PM Pat: So, the only person hurt so far in the snake movie, other than the opening credit guy, has been hurt by a SPIDER??!??!
And a tiny one at that.
me: so the lady with the disappearing accent has a snake bite
10:56 PM Christian: writer: you know what this movie about deadly snakes needs? a tiny spider bite
writer 2: perfect
me: i think she blew up the entire movie last time
oh that's gross
Pat: Maybe some local and some iodine on that?
me: maybe in the next scene, they can remove some corns from some toes
lance a boil or two
Christian: unless a snake crawls out of this incision, i'm disappointed
me: and then, a shot of the forest
10:57 PM Pat: You'd have that stuff if you're traveling into the jungles of Eastern Europe right?
Christian: anacondas always seek out the weak and sickly first
or not
one of those
Pat: Accent is back sort of
10:58 PM Sounded Canadian there.
Christian: oh, she is so dead
show the forest, so we know something bad is happening
11:00 PM Pat: Wendy is the Predator
The mythical "Team 1"
11:01 PM me: WHAT ARE THEY EXCAVATING
Pat: I'm hoping "Team 1" is Ice Cube and J-Lo. But that won't happen
TEAM 1 !!!!!
Christian: where's owen wilson?
Pat: We excavated the crap out of them!
11:02 PM Christian: there he is!
Pat: Grandma?
Christian: quickly - run as upright as possible!
11:03 PM me: so team 1's been ate
and he's found... what? the lab?
where did the kid go?
Pat: Goddammit
11:04 PM Where's grandma?
Christian: why did she shoot at it like a drive-by?
where else was she going?
Pat: Ok, break time. I need another beer
Or two to make it through
me: ok
Christian: i'm not going to last much longer
this isn't even fun bad so far
Pat: NO ONE HAS BEEN KILLED IN AN HOUR!!!!!!!!
me: well before you go
Pat: Vipers was better
11:05 PM There I said it
Christian: vipers was better
me: at least try and predict what will happen, who lives and dies
vipers was the remake of "Dawn of the Dead" compared to this
Christian: i think we should try to predict what's already happened
me: i agree
also: see "Quarantine"
Christian: i still can't figure that out
11:06 PM vipers had 1) lots of snakes; 2) people running from them; 3) people doing things for coherent reasons; 4) snakes eating people
this has some of 2), i think
that's all
i'm ready
me: ok
Pat: ready
11:07 PM me: readygo
also, my dog just sort of half-coughed half-growled and kicked in his sleep
and it was far scarier than anything we've seen thus far
11:08 PM Pat: AHHAHAHHA
No shit!
"Run it's behind you"
Still don't know what they are digging for
me: ok wait
11:09 PM where did they get to a plain
or a field
Pat: What
Christian: hahaha
Pat: That's not a clearing
Christian: it sounds like a horse now
me: so he's running towards the anaconda with a cap gun
Pat: Some running toward, some running away
11:10 PM Christian: finally
me: story of this movie
Pat: FINALLY
Some being eaten
me: there are far too many characters left
it better be like an orgy of blood at the end
Pat: I want the Mercs and JRD to live
11:11 PM Christian: uh oh
he dropped his walkie talkie
Pat: Snake has a radio now
Christian: exactly
me: what the hell
Pat: He'll know where they are
me: when did this guy get et?
Christian: who's that?
11:12 PM Pat: How did he get hurt?
me: WHO IS THAT GUY?
Christian: why does the snake slither with his torso up?
like the loch ness monster?
11:13 PM Pat: AHAHHAH
Mercs, gotta love them
That's two!
me: so, pop quiz hotshot
big snake standing in front of you
standing there and screaming, bad idea
Christian: i already know the answer
11:14 PM fire your machine gun wildly in the air
11:15 PM Pat: I'd like to point out that in a nerd moment, I realized that I designed that climate control in that Nissan Pathfinder.
Christian: nice!
11:16 PM me: that's awesome man
Christian: you instantly become the top contributor to this film
Pat: hahah
me: what serum
WHAT SERUM
Christian: hahahaha
me: okay, everyone's together finally
Pat: Flowers make the serum? I think?
11:17 PM me: ASK SOME QUESTIONS
Pat: those didn't get blown up yet either
PLEASE
Christian: wait
so
do we have a plot?
bad guys kidnapping other guys to look for serum
while snake chases them?
could it be???
a mere hour in?
11:18 PM me: ah
11:19 PM so they must go get the serum
or the bad guys kill them
all right
all right
Pat: Not Wendy!?!?!?
me: WHY!?!!?!?
WHY?!?!??
THE QUESTION THAT IS ON OUR MINDS
Christian: this could've been set up in 5 minutes
i can't believe somebody got paid to write this
11:20 PM Pat: I thought it was with JRD at the beginning. Then we had to fart around the forest for AN HOUR.
And NO ONE DIED
11:21 PM me: 40 minutes to go
call it a new movie.
ready.
Pat: Cheri says hi
Christian: minus commercials
ready
hi
Pat: She just got back from Hockey
ready
me: readygo
11:22 PM okay, there's more farting around
11:23 PM Christian: here's the thing
me: wait
exposition
orchids
serum
growing snakes
Christian: they could've used the same scenes, reordered, and made this movie twice as good
first: everyone arrives
next: last scene, where we get a plot
then: this scene, exposition
11:24 PM then: all the chasing and ominous forest-gazing
me: i agree
11:26 PM and now....
back at camp....
NOTHING happens
snake bite lady is...
extremely unnecessary to the plot
Christian: spider bite
Pat: Brian Cranston's little brother's big moment with his girl
11:27 PM Christian: at least if she had a snake bite, it'd be related to the plot, if still unnecessary
although
me: ok
so
Christian: twenty bucks says the serum heals the spider wound
me: they're in a cabin rigged to explode
Pat: Serum
Boom
me: i like it\
11:28 PM Pat: Also, Merc guy should have been looking at porn on the computer
Christian: wait - i just had an insight
if we completely destroy the snake, it might die
11:29 PM me: hang on, someone's screaming outside
continue as you were
Pat: Why do they want to kill the snake? Why don't they just worry about getting to a jeep and getting the f out of there.
me: ok i'm back
11:30 PM what'd i miss
what, did he spill the serum?
why?
Pat: YES YES YES
Yeah, he dropped it when the bad guys opened the door
Christian: snake busting through from underneath the house = good
prediction: snake does not do that
me: right
snake eats this dude taking a p
11:31 PM Christian: i'm tired of the snake making predator sounds
or lost smoke monster sounds
me: my dog is reacting emotionally to this scene
Pat: Three
me: and the screaming
Christian: there we go
11:32 PM snake in the tree in the dark = good use of limited effects capabilities
me: meanwhile, at base camp, where the plot stagnates
Pat: Snake has Three, Bad Guys have Two
Christian: perhaps base camp is a metaphor
me: what's the plan
there is no plan
no kidding
11:33 PM ok ready
Christian: ready
Pat: ready
Christian: this movie has like 10 minutes left
me: readygo
Christian: and hasn't really started yet
me: wait
is this in internal flashback?
like a recap?
why?
Christian: again, the reminder of what was said 3 minutes ago
trust us, we remember
11:34 PM NOTHING ELSE HAS HAPPENED
me: now they're throwing sit at each other because they can't figure out what to do
why doesn't he yell "I HAVE WRITER'S BLOCK, OKAY!?!?!?"
Christian: "WE DIDN'T COVER THIS IN MY MFA PROGRAM!"
11:35 PM "DEVRY ISN'T ALL IT'S CRACKED UP TO BE, OKAY?!?"
Pat: Get back to the camp.
me: they don't know where they're going
and there is no plan
oh thank god
11:36 PM Pat: Yes, everyone talk at the same time
Christian: LOUD NOISES
Pat: Thanks for breaking that up snake
me: total platoon moment
Pat: HAHAHHAHAH
YESYESYES
me: okay, that was the first great part of this film
Christian: WWHHHHAT?
hahahaha
me: dude goes to blow himself up to get snake
snake is like, whatever
11:37 PM Pat: The explosives Merc guy, gotta love it
me: dude just blows up
Pat: So,
Snakes, 4. Bad Guys, 2. Suicides 1
Christian: Suicides should be a subset of Bad Guys, though
nice
Pat: That's it?
11:38 PM Yeah, I though about, "Bad Guys, 2.5"
me: oh right
Pat: And now, Good Guys = 2 (snakes).
But it's healing!
me: isn't this movie about a snake splitting in two?
Pat: JRD!
Christian: apparently not
11:39 PM where'd this guy come from?
me: the beginning of the movie, remember
Christian: yeah
Pat: Oh , the twist
me: wait i don't get it
Christian: i should say, where the hell has he been?
11:40 PM Pat: Dang
me: they made a deal at some point
Christian: if this was an episode of an ongoing anacondas tv series, it would be a terrible episode
me: don't shoot this guy
just tackle him
what the hell?
Pat: Spider bite and Grandma's boy are going to make it?
11:41 PM Oh
me: you know what
Pat: Tomb Raider style
Christian: good lord
me: more people have gotten shot in this turkey than eaten by a snake
Christian: i do not care who dies
Pat: Good guys have killed more than the snakes now I think
11:42 PM Christian: so there are two?
again, this scene should have been at the beginning
me: give him the serum
the only thing that makes sense in this film
11:43 PM Pat: Snakes
11:44 PM me: yeah, we figured this
Pat: Please turn into a snake
me: he cures the bone cancer and dances around near the snakes
Christian: now he'll get eaten
me: that are attracted
to the serum
Christian: and regenerate inside the snake
Pat: Lord of the snakes?
Christian: and continuously be digested as he regenerates
11:45 PM Pat: Ah
Regenerate that shit
me: i wish we could regenerate this movie
one moment
Christian: hmm - sea beast?
11:46 PM Pat: Sea Beast looks ok
Christian: i would promote anything during this movie
"hmm, that looks decent"
anything
Pat: Yeah
ready
11:47 PM Christian: ready
are we near the end?
this turd gives us some good guidelines for how to make an unwatchable movie
Pat: Yes
Christian: - introduce lots of unfamiliar characters
- don't tell us who they all are, what they're doing, or why we should care
11:48 PM Pat: I wonder if it made more sense in ther version that's unedited for time.
Christian: - spend most of your time doing nothing
me: i really doubt that
also, i am taping 'blood monkey' startting f. murray abraham
Christian: hmm
Pat: ready mike
11:49 PM Christian: yeah
ready
me: ready
Pat: go
11:50 PM Oh this guy lived. Why do I care?
Christian: agreed
Pat: And WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY DIGGING FOR?
A Macguffin apparently.
11:51 PM me: so now she's going to... blow up the flowers again?
Christian: they never found it
yeah
blow 'em up
and the guy that lived, he apparently wants to stop her
for obvious reasons
Pat: Why did she have to go inside?
Christian: obvious meaning "for reasons the movie never bothered to explain"
Pat: To remind us she planted the bombs?
11:52 PM Christian: WHY DIDN'T SHE DO THAT 2 HOURS AGO?
Pat: Those flowers got wasted!
Christian: she needed to hit a button?
that's it?
Pat: What?
me: okay
11:53 PM Pat: The bad guy got his money.
His boss is dead
me: and now he.... yeah
well, that dude did mess him up
Pat: Why is he still in the movie?
Christian: jesus
Pat: Now he's the terminator on the back of the car
Christian: so many people get shot
in uninteresting ways
11:54 PM and so few people got anacondad
me: i think he just wanted a ride
this is a waste of an action sequence
11:55 PM oh, the anaconda remembered it's supposed to be the bad guy
Pat: Now the snake can move really fast
me: can it just eat the whole car
Christian: so this is the same snake that couldn't catch up to people while they ran?
me: and we can be done with this
Christian: eactly
me: regenerated snake
11:56 PM Christian: what?
me: when did the bomb get in the snake?
was i looking away from the tv or something
11:57 PM Christian: i want to see the outtakes
shot after shot of actors saying, "but that doesn't make any sense!"
me: ok
and then the snake is ok
Pat: End with a shot of he forest. and another snake
me: or it's another snake
what the fuck was that
it was like a clip show
of snake movies
11:58 PM Christian: edited by a guy who was busy watching another movie
Pat: Yeah
Too many people lived.
11:59 PM I don't even think they were all accounted for at the end
Some of the Mercs didn't die and just wandered out of the movie I think
me: meanwhile, on "Blood Monkey," the blood monkey (actually a chimpanzee, which is an ape, but who's counting) just ate a girl while she took a dump in the forest
Christian: i'm going to sleep
12:00 AM me: night
Christian: i imagine my dreams will be filled with vaguely related images of people running and staring at forests
Pat: Sounds serene.
Christian: and it will still be better than that
'night
Christian has left
12:01 AM me: see you in two weeks for "sea beast," with parker lewis
'night

Vipers: the liveblog

2008-11-22T19:06:00.001-05:00

This is now a group chat. Add another person.

Pat has joined.

Chris has joined.

me: i brokened it

Chris: I’m gonna order jimmy john's from my toilet

Pat: Nice

me: ok

Pat: I'm ready

me: ready

Pat: Title screen is cued up

me: This is "Vipers" starring Corbin Bernsen and Tara Reid. The live blog. Those of you following at home... start when we start, stop when we stop.

Chris: here too

me: hit it

Chris: wait - tara reid? seriously?

Pat: roger we are a go

me: seriously tara reid is in this

Chris: oh my god

this just got 2x better

Pat: TV-14 DSLV

That's like a 'hard' TV-14

me: A group of genetically enhanced vipers are on the loose after a break-in at a medical research laboratory. They don't just bite. They eat. Reproducing at a rapid rate, they now outnumber the locals of a nearby remote island who have barricaded themselves in an increasingly vulnerable hotel. With help on its way - or not-- the lone survivors have one chance to stay alive: make it to the shore--and fast.

Chris: why do the vipers growl/?

me: the doctor is Indian

that's so racial

oh shit!

that's all the exposition we'll need today, doctor

Pat: hahahha

me: yes, i'll call you when the "snakes" are "on a plane"

Pat: oops

me: what the shit

Chris: yeah - guiding question today: will this be better than snakes on a plane?

whoa

good start

Pat: cancer, and snakes.

me: so, the good guys cured cancer

that worked good in "I Am Legend"

Chris: vipers cure cancer?

me: they do now

Chris: is anyone else expecting a viper to bite someone in the breast?

me: I like her Janet Jackson headset

Chris: Corbin benzene has not aged well

me: I’m "enhanced genetically"

Pat: Is it just my setup or is this move shot really dark?

me: they can fly

and talk

but only in German

wtf?

they leave a grate in the floor open?

for serius?

Chris: and here we are at "eden cove"

an idyllic island in the pacific northwest

me: this would be better if it was like "temptation island"

Chris: i'm sure nothing bad would ever happen here

me: is tara reid smoking?

Chris: you mean is she hot? no

me: wait

wait

that's not tori spelling?

Chris: she loves "the snake"

me: she does love that snake

this red shirt extra woman is shrewish

Chris: and soon to be dead

me: as soon as she said "as soon as you got me that rock", etc

Chris: first-to-be-dead african-americans alert!

me: he should have just thrown the snake on her

Chris: planning weddings!

Pat: Why is she that tan? There is no sun up there. It rains all the time. Yes, I know continuity is pointless...

me: yeah, total lifespan of the african-americans in this movie - 3 minutes

Pat: It's just you, me and this bonsai baby...

No, don't get out of the jeep

Chris: don't do it!

me: touch her boobs!

Pat: Not with the mellow music playing...

she turned it up to 11

me: oh shit

"it's nothing, baby"

THAT IS A LOT OF SNAKES

look at the unit on that guy

Chris: that is a lot of CGI

OOOHHHHH

me: um

snakes

don't snakes eat things whole?

right?

Chris: these ones are genetically enhanced

Pat: Not these snakes

Chris: haven't you been paying attention?

Pat: exactly

Chris: dude, they were alive for EXACTLY 3 minutes

me: you may as well go all in and have the snakes like driving cars

hitting people with bats

pulling glocks

hahahhahah

Chris: wait for third act

hmm, no cell coverage?

me: that's a horror movie first act staple: "Oh, sorry. Our cell phone tower blew up mysteriously"

or "Oh shit, the dog just ate my battery"

Chris: "you see, because of a plot device, we have no cell coverage"

"oh, of course"

me: this is terrible ad libbing

Pat: I zoned out for a minute...

Yes, this is not right

me: ha ha!

he's like

"take the ring, shit, that's valuable"

Pat: graverobbers!

Chris: "something isn't right, here in this gruesome murder scene"

me: these people left this jeep and dumped a whole lot of blood on the ground"

oh man

nothing like the small town sheriff for your protagonist

no way

Chris: "you got a rental outstanding?"

"were they, um, alive when they rented the jeep?"

Pat: There's always a Jack in these small towns...

me: more clumsy exposition

i'm working on boning my counter person

Pat: pansy

Coast Guard

me: yeah, coast guard boy

Chris: someone's also named "doc"

Pat: There better be more snakes soon....

me: you don't think he's doc silverton's

you know

this is way more compelling than the snakes

Pat: Listen, there's 4 women in this town. And a man needs what he needs sweetie...

me: COMMERICAL BREAK

Chris: well then

me: Jack the B&B owner is the Genghis khan of this small town

so, what do we have?

snakes are free

bad guys freed them

corbin bernsen is getting the scientist lady to stop them

Chris: tara reid loves snakes

me: snakes are racist

Chris: there's a lot of sleeping around in this town of four people

me: small town sheriff is on the case

Pat: Are we fast forwarding?

me: that's a ton of plot

Pat: I'm cued up

me: prepare to fast forward

Chris: also cued

TV 14 DLSV

Pat: ready

me: hit it

Chris: seems like we've got some D, L, S, and V already

Pat: most of those anyway, yes

me: it's Scully's dad

from the x-files

Pat: Yes, That Guy #37

people in the small town are smoking weed. help!

Sent at 5:03 PM on Saturday

Chris: did they just dub tara reid?

Pat: I think she said "shit", yes

Chris: that girl's a little beeotch

me: all of these people are miserable

i want vipers to get them

Pat: At least half will get it, I’m sure

I'll take Doc, and the wife

Chris: i think tara lives, as does the girl i can't stand

me: new guy knows joey

Chris: oh shit

me: okay

who is tara reid in relation to these people

what the hell?

Pat: Serum does no good unless you know sort of what kind of snake it is...

Chris: so after hunting in packs and destroying everyone in sight, one snake bit one little kid once?

it's a viper, pat

come on

"Vipers"? hello?

me: yuck!

Chris: they know what movie they're in

me: that's nasty

Pat: My bad, of course.

me: tara reid is going to flash her boobs, so that this kid may live

i think the viper also took the kid's teeth out

Pat: I mean, they could have tried to make her look like an outdoorsy type. But instead she probably demanded to do her makeup like she's going out to the club

me: Which is what it is like

look

these movies are not difficult

just get your entire cast and crew to see "big trouble in little china" like 5 times

and go do that

and it will be awesome

why old Jack Burton or some imitation cannot be in all these movies, I do not know

so, remember corbin bernsen?

he's back

and they have some "gas" that incapacitates the snakes

Chris: but only a limited amount

me: yes!

army guys

thank god

Pat: The good gas kills everything. But isn't that always the case?

Chris has left.

me: this chick whines a lot

the daughter that is

Chris has joined.

Pat: It's hard to be a teenager in some sleepy podunk hamlet.

Chris: with a father who's banging his secretary and hates your mom

Pat: So, Jack is nailing every lady in this town that's not Tara Reid...

me: yeah but what is tara reid doing or something?

Pat: or naileds

me: she liked this "joey" fellow

who is now a snake

Chris: now she grows weed

and punches bitchy moms

and those really were the only two African Americans on the island

me: this movie is like going to a wedding where you only know one person

Pat: We can only hope for ManiViper

me: and everyone there has drama with each other

Chris: it is!

me: prepare to fast forward

Chris: i'm cued up

Pat: cued up

Chris: and like that wedding, i am sitting in the corner drinking and wishing it will end soon

and hoping for a fight

me: hit it

well

luckily at this wedding

there's some uninvited guests

Chris: who apparently eat fish?

me: in the form of genetically mutant enhanced vegan racist vipers with guns

Pat: Fish heads, fish heads, rolly polly fish heads. Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up, yum.....

Chris: i cannot follow who used to date whom and who is now dating whom

Pat: hehehehhe

"I'm sure you're covered"

Chris: "Certainly, there won't be any more snakebites"

Pat: All I remember is Jake nailed everyone

Chris: More adult situations

which so far, 100% of the time involve snakes

woops, 50% of the time now

wait, i'm guessing 100%

oh, here it comes

oh boy

me: no way

the vipers are hooking up withcho girlie

Sent at 5:18 PM on Saturday

me: that dude in the shower

doesn't he look like a CNN guy?

Chris: yeah, john king

me: not Anderson cooper

john king! that's it

Pat: So that's what the kids are doing these days with their "hooking up"

YES!!!!

Now take off all of your clothes...

Chris: So the snakes will come . . .

Pat: Yes, they are only attracted to females in heat and (only slightly) small boys

Chris: Just like ________. Hayooooo!

Ok so

That one guy was nailing his secretary, who just got eaten

Pat: "I'll never forget that night over Macho Grande... Joey went in hard and fast...."

me: hahahhaha

exactly

Pat: MORE SNAKES PLEASE!!!!

Chris: here you go

he's clean and delicious after his shower

Pat: Just how they like them..

Chris: the snakes have been eating all the fish?

Pat: They could be aquatic vipers...

Chris: so

john king was banging his secretary, who's now dead

his ex or soon-to-be ex is nailing the sheriff

tara reid used to nail her brother(?), who died in Iraq

with the guy who's the new doc

Pat: Hopefully he will be breaking down the first half of the movie soon on his Magic Board...

Chris: awesome

Pat: I need a family tree or some sort of a flowchart

Chris: it started off so promising

snakes right away

http://www.cnn.com/CNN/anchors_reporters/king.john.html

Pat: Mansquito had more "Sci-" than this too

At least it tried to explain things.

Chris: agreed

all we know is that these vipers are genetically engineered and cure cancer

Pat: Cued up after the break

Chris: cued up

me: this is complicated

Pat: And Tara Reid's mom? has cancer

Chris: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0669041/

Pat: Maybe there's a subtle thread there

me: hit it

Chris: please, stop telling me about the people in this story!

that's better

!!!

that viper squealed like a pig

me: that was awesome

less plot more vipers

she's et! let's go!

Pat: Good thing he's carrying

Chris: new doc just pulled out a pocket of valium, then knived a viper from 10 feet

Pat: Marines are ready to kill at any time

me: hello marine doctor

YES

Pat: Finally

me: it literally took an hour for this to get interesting

Chris: whoa

Pat: foreshadowing......

me: tara reid is really bad

i mean

bad

spelling bad

Pat: yes run to the woods!

me: Maggie

who's been et?

she's been et

oh whiny daughter

Pat: Where did all these people come from?

me: man

Chris: how are they breaking down the doors?

me: I’d do the WHOLE movie in this house

like night of the living dead

assault on precinct 13

most of 'the birds'

Chris: rear window

me: this is actually not too shabby

Chris: every porno ever

Pat: Now it's "Assault on Precinct 13". Only with snakes instead of gang members

me: the vipers did NOT cut the phone lines

Pat: heheh

didn't see your comment

Chris: Maggie’s gone, mom

me: uh oh

does that snake have eyelashes

Chris: i think she should move

Pat: They got the phones!!!!!!!!!

me: did the snake just whimper like a chimp?

by the way

Chris: whoa

Pat: you should probably move now

me: oh no way

he's all messeded up

anyway

did you see the video of the chimp peeing in his own mouth?

classic

total classic

Chris: yeah, amazing

me: best part is the horrified children

anyway

this marine doc must have had viper training

Pat: Oh shit

Chris: luckily, there's an ice cream truck?

Pat: There's movement all over the place

game over man, game over!

Luckily it's been previously hotwired

Chris: quick! remove the girl from the safe locked room and bring her with us out in the open!

me: looks like he has a limited amount of gas that incapacitates them

it's very rare

ish

Chris: hahaha

tara reid knows that they stopped attacking because they're full?

huh?

me: loving the Miami vice music

Pat: Good thing they practice fire safety in this town. Ice cream truck has 2?

Chris: at least

me: um

she's like "i'm sorry i was a bitch to them"

Chris: tara reid is awful

me: but now i shall be a bitch to you

oh man

Chris: yeah dude

me: just realize that at the end of this take

the director said

CUT....

....

print.

then he probably did about a mountain of cocaine

so he could feel something again

just to make you feel better

since we're all going to die

Chris: stop telling me about the characters!

me: let me tell you how your fiancé died violently

and painfully

Chris: to pink Floyd, though

me: and it was your fault

Chris: so it's all ok

Pat: 5 minute break at the halfway point?

Chris: go

me: are we going or are we breaking?

Chris: go break

me: ok

Chris: so

young doc was in Slap Shot 2: Breaking the Ice

he also played Keith in Breaking the Surface: The Greg Louganis Story

Sent at 5:43 PM on Saturday

Chris: other helpful IMDB information

Pat: Ready.

Chris: Tara Reid has appeared in more TV shows as herself than she has acted in TV shows or movies

Sent at 5:45 PM on Saturday

Chris: She's also been nominated for three awards

all Razzies

though never took one home

Pat: That's a shame

Chris: i would give her a razzie for playing herself

Sent at 5:47 PM on Saturday

Chris: also: http://www.mlive.com/flintjournal/sports/index.ssf/2008/11/davison-muskegon-football.html

two onside kicks in the final 4:31!

On Muskegon!

me: i'm ready. you ready?

Pat: Have you seen the video of the Texas football championships?

Chris: yeah, mike said the same thing

i have

this was only slightly less impressive

me: so halftime

only minorities: still dead

Pat: I'm ready, btw

me: snakes: not on plane

bad guys: out of movie

corbin bernsen: first billing, but been in movie less than 5 minutes

gas: passed

Chris: hayooo

Pat: Corbin worked half a day on this movie.

Chris: tara reid: unbelievably bad

me: whiny girl's parents: not dead but probably dead, including john king

tara reid specifically awful yes

not even good enough to be called "coked out"

Chris: it's hard to stand out as awful in this movie

yet she rises to the occasion

i think i figured out the family tree

me: why does everyone hate her

in the movie

why?

Pat: Doc is the best actor who's said more than 10 lines of dialogue.

Chris: agreed

i'm now betting that whiny girl's parents miraculously survive

and end up back together, closer for the experience

since both of their sex buddies are dead already

Pat: (I'm seriously thinking of making a relationship flowchart. I might need help to remember all of it. We can recap it later)

Chris: also, Corbin’s researcher and army guys are going to start blowing shit up soon

Pat: Hopefully

I hope it's "Aliens" with snakes.

Chris: nice

Pat: Ok, are we ready?

Chris: mike, give us the go

me: ok

hit it

Chris: Corbin’s army guys

check

uh oh

another African American

Pat: Grenades

me: ah act III

dues ex machinantastic

jack burton?

is that the burton they speak of?

Pat: There goes the effects budget

me: Jack Burton: Ahh, You know what ol' Jack Burton says at a time like this?
Thunder: Who?
Jack Burton: Jack Burton... ME!

Pat: What?

There's nothing we can do?

Chris: they only have a limited supply of the gas

they cant be wasting it on saving people

Sent at 5:57 PM on Saturday

me: WHY ISN'T RESCUE COMING UNTIL THE MORNING

Pat: No, "I'm so-and-so, from Whatsit Organization". Now they just skip the intros.

So stupid it works

me: besides, didn't you see Jurassic park II?

the snakes can get it onto the boat

snakes

the

boat

Chris: did he just shoot john king?

Pat: They're not brown people, they’re snakes

Chris: why?

me: oh shit

Pat: yes

me: you know

i think this movie's better with no gas

it's just snakes

killing the whole town

with no one to stop it

Chris: definitely

me: that's your movie

Chris: we learn a little about them, then they die

Pat: Hopefully they lose the gas somewhere.

Chris: we hear some heartwarming stories, someone else dies

me: thankfully almost all of the major characters made it

Chris: john king gets shot, then more people die

me: hang on

pause alert

Syracuse just scored

Pat: Token is going on 4-5 minutes so far

me: 45 seconds to go

up one

Chris: ok, pause

Token's doing well

me: 35 seconds

they need some vipers

by the way

Michigan state has PSU right where they want them

Chris: um

me: they'll never expect a four td comeback in the fourth quarter

oh um

five td

Chris: Michigan state's just happy that Michigan lost

that's all that matters to them, apparently

idiots

jimmah about to blow it

me: um yeah

you have to interfere with that pass, in my opinion

by the way

goodness

glad i did that

OKAY GET READY AGAIN

query

Pat: Ready

Chris: ready

me: hit it

Pat: Starting CPR on Mr. King...

me: has any actor received top billing in a movie and appeared in it LESS than corbin bernsen?

seriously

he's not even on snake island

Chris: i feel like that break took the emotional heft out of this scene for me

i'm not really investing in the loss of john king

me: they should have gotten Blitzer for this

Chris: i'm sure someone else can run the Magic Board

me: i'm sorry Maggie

he died because you were mean

Chris: a snake will come out of the hole he punched in that wall

all he did was create a new way in

Pat: Damn he just dealed on her

Chris: maybe the snake venom also cures gunshot wounds?

Pat: Cover him up with this blanket, that way he's like a snake burrito

me: someone should tell that girl that she's the man of the house now

whatever, that house must have 8 fire extinguishers

Pat: Don't listen to her!

She's a world class known idiot

Chris: Token stands up!

me: no one's coming?

nice

Pat: "This is a rescue mission. We are not assassins"

me: yes! Predator

Pat: Oh wait, no. I got that backward

Chris: lure them with delicious snake burritos

me: what bait?

jail bait

Chris: "Maggie, your parents are gone, you have nothing to live for anyway."

Pat: cued

Chris: cued

me: hit it

Pat: Science!!!!!

Chris: your mom's ectothermic

Pat: Jeep Snake Rabbit. Nice.

me: can someone say "there's snakes out there this big?!?!?!?!"

Pat: But they're not that big. Yet

Chris: "I am sick and tired of these mother fucking snakes on this mother fucking island!"

Pat: How are the snakes spreading off of an island? Without help.

Chris: they swim, dude

remember the fish heads?

Pat: I can trust you Token, right?

Well, then everyone's already fucked

Chris: You play bass, Token

me: okay

so all of us are going to distract the snakes

and the rest of us will make it to the boat

Chris: hahahaha

me: ready break

Pat: "I don't trust the untrustworthy mercenary guys"

me: "They lost my trust when they shot our friend"

Chris: "I can call off the air strike, because 9/11 changed everything."

Pat: I

Chris: Tara's faith is getting nailed

Pat: Yes

Chris: So everyone prays, and Tara and young doc make out?

me: "Somewhere, up in heaven, your fiancé is pissed at me"

Chris: "Luckily, I've never been much of a prayer."

me: oh I just found these

Pat: Good finding those radios kid. That way, we can radio each other with our screams so you know where the snakes are

me: there was some snake repellent and a helicopter, but i just left those

Pat: A-team time!!!!!!!!

Chris: Tara welding, Maggie crushing snakes with a shovel

obviously

Wait wait

wait

me: all right

Chris: he just radioed "Everybody on 1?"

me: we've been building this up for like 15 minutes

Chris: and if they weren't on 1

THEY WOULD NOT HAVE HEARD HIM!

me: i like

how the snakes move fast sometimes

but not, most of the time

Sent at 6:19 PM on Saturday

me: and i love how the snakes shriek like monkeys

this is the boringest climax ever

Pat: Oh wheezing people with pneumonia

Chris: "wait, move more slowly"

Pat: Nope, it's just snakes

Chris: "this is the climax"

Pat: Cued

Chris: cued

me: okay and you know what

before we continue

I’d do if i made these

I’d drop some fake commercials in there

a fake FrankTV promo

he's doing his unfunny thing then BOOM

snakes bitch

Chris: I would put a fake FrankTV promo with him getting eaten by snakes into everything on television

me: it'd totally add an immersive experience

that is also true

okay hit it

Pat: Or an ad for "Eradico's Viper Repellant Gas". Best snake repellant on the market!

Chris: and have it clearly just be a fire extinguisher

me: also effective against the mansquito

Chris: don't say so loud where you are! the snakes will hear you!

Pat: Stay off the radios dumbass!

Keep the channel clear! We won't be able to hear the dying screams!

He must not be on channel 1

No response

Chris: if only someone had radioed to ask if everyone was on channel 1

me: OH MY GOD THIS IS SO BORING

Chris: it is, right?

me: it's like, the big finish of the movie is like yard work

Chris: they had time to talk about pink floyd in the middle of the climax

Pat: You know what else would work? If you actually burned the snakes with the flamethrower.

me: "watch out for the snakes" she says

that's helpful

Pat: They apparently will come directly to it.

Chris: Aw, token

i thought he was gonna make it

Sent at 6:26 PM on Saturday

me: okay so

the plan was to lure them into the greenhouse

but

now they're in the greenhouse

they lured themselves into the greenhouse

Pat: Finally got that thing dialed in to channel 1

Chris: hahaha

Pat: Good old Doc

Chris: what was the plan again?

Pat: A brilliant strategy by the snakes, no?

Chris: that's some parallelism there

they're making an IED

the very same type of thing that killed tara's fiancée and young doc's buddy

me: snake shower in 3

Chris: whoa

shot one right in the head

me: oh snap

Chris: evil guy buried in snakes in 3 2

Pat: Thought the thumb was coming off with it....

What?

He died fast?

Chris: he's big

not like the kid

the venom works faster when you're an unsympathetic character

me: oh crap the last commercial break

okay

Pat: Ah yes. I forgot that about vipers

me: bets on the ending:

Pat: Obvious: Blow the wad of the effects budget on blowing up the greenhouse.

me: coast guard guy is history and doc and tara get off the island with whiny teenager girl

old doc and everyone else make it

Pat: Then Tara has to fight her insurance company because they won't cover explosions following snake attacks

Chris: Vipers 2

i'm guessing greenhouse roof collapse

young doc gets it doing the final IED prep

everyone else escapes as the place goes up

Pat: As he sets off the bomb because he's wounded. I like it

me: ready?

Chris: cued

Pat: Now Tara will have two blown up boyfriends. She's going to have (more) issues/problems

yes, ready

me: hit it

Chris: corbin returns!

me: so the boat made it

i bet you

Chris: the vipers seem to have calmed down so they can have a chat

me: there's snakes on that boat

Pat: Good thing the snakes stopped attacking so they could talk on the phone

me: i'm going to unleash a situation

Chris: word, Pat

Pat: Nice.

me: okay

snake shower

Chris: who predicted snake belt gets it?

me: c'mon

i did

Chris: here ya go

Pat: Whoops!!!!

me: you cannot put snakes on a glass ceiling and not have it break

Pat: OHHHHHHHHHH

me: i believe Anton Chekhov said that

Chris: you know what they say about people in houses with glass ceilings covered with snakes

me: i hope it cuts to an obvious paper Mache model

and that blows up

pretty close

that was really bad CGI there

Pat: I

I'm sure that got all the snakes

Way too many people lived.

Chris: yeah

me: i really hope it's not over

it's over

Chris: corbin peels off scooby doo mask to reveal . . . a snake!

after hearing this tape, share prices will skyrocket

me: so true

Pat: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

me: under news management

how

oh man!

old doc is, um

and the whiny teenager

Chris: wait, so in the middle of the greenhouse

me: yes

Chris: young doc decided to make a recording

me: yes

Chris: just in case they got out alive and decided to get back at corbin?

me: yes

Chris: snakes in the limo!

me: please

Chris: come on!

me: please do snakes

in the limo

Pat: snake

Chris: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

AAAAAAAHHhahahaha

me: the snake was driving the limo

Chris: that makes absolutely no sense

ooooh awesome

Sent at 6:43 PM on Saturday

Chris: well then

me: yeah

final thoughts

Chris: corbin gets top billing over tara for 5 minutes of work

can't really argue with that

Pat: Underwhelming

me: I'm disappointed the snakes didn't win.

Chris: they worked way too hard to make us feel good about the ending

topped with the "one snake made it out and killed the last remaining bad guy in his limo" kicker

me: and the whiny girl making it back to like

Pat: Where did the snake come from?

me: save the day or something

Pat: The lab?

me: made really no sense

there's your "Pop Quiz Hotshot Moment"

Pat: The island

me: you're on an island

snakes killed your mom, your dad, your new stepmom

etc

do you get on the boat with creepy old guy?

or go back in an ATV?

and SHE makes it!

Chris: luckily, ATVs have no heat signatures

or she would've been in trouble

Pat: After both of her parents were killed she was invulnerable.

Even snakes have sympathy

Chris: how this relates to the ohio state game

Pat: Penn State has found it safe to break out the roses, btw

me: let's see

Pat: At 49-18 with 1 minute left

Chris: wake-bc is in the final 42 seconds on the uno

me: how it relates

sometimes, when you go into a situation thinking it's going to suck and be bad

but you wonder how bad and sucky it can be

you get surprised

IT ACTUALLY SUCKS WORSE AND IS WORSE THAN YOU WERE AFRAID IT WOULD BE

Chris: so Michigan is tara reid?

Pat: And at first it wasn't bad.

It lulled you.

me: that's your tara reid moment

you thought

Chris: yeah

me: oh, it'll be better

then it ended up being worse

Chris: and then a snake pops up right at the end and attacks you in your limo

Pat: It was 14-7 at one point. And the snakes when hog wild on the African American campers. There was hope.

Chris: if you know what i mean

then tara reid started being in every scene

and nick sheridan was called on to throw often

me: that is true

it was mansquito like fun at the beginning

then it got not fun

Chris: any schedule listing for "Yeti"?

me: really, with this whole experience, i'm just chasing "Mansquito"

Pat: And she demanded to do her own wardrobe and makeup, so we had to put a folksy hat on her so she'd look vaguely like she lived on an island in the Pacific NW

me: Yeti

12/4

Chris: yeah dude

Sent at 6:53 PM on Saturday

Chris: well

at least notre dame lost

The Happening: Your Villians are Clovers, in a Field, if you get what I am trying to say to you

2008-10-19T20:09:00.005-04:00

The Happening:

I Know What You’re Thinking: This is no sci-fi original? And it’s not, But M. Night has described it as a “b-movie,” so we’re counting it. Plus, honestly, Mansquito was more fun.

Seriously?: Yeah.

Don’t be Fooled: Haley Joe Osment is not whispering through that door. Not unlike Marilyn Manson going door-to-door trying to shock people, M. Night was too effective with his schtick too soon. With Sixth Sense and Blair witch double-handedly reinvigorating the genre, filmmakers like Zack Snyder (Dawn of the Dead), the Saw guys and James Gun (Dawn of the Dead and Slither) took the ball and made cool, scary horror movies. And like, all two dozen bad remakes of Korean and Japanese movies beget some stuff that didn’t suck. And I guess Eli Roth did okay, if you’re into watching a horror movie version of “24”.

But the point is, M. Night has been a victim of his own success. Audiences expecting to be rocked the way they were by Willis and company have been less rocked successively with each and every subsequent film.

The Happening is no exception.

The plot is pretty simple: something that we don’t and won’t understand is busting loose in the northeast U.S., creating small outbreaks of mania in which the wind blows, causing groups of people to feel the not-so-good vibrations and spontaneously commit suicide. Like a contagion, these outbreaks are spreading west, so Wahlberg and his funky bunch of ragtag survivors – red shirts, all – flee west.

Not so bad, right? I mean, every one of these films should send points to the Hitchcock estate ‘cause they’re all homages to the Birds. But who’s complaining?

Anyway, when these outbreaks happen and how long they last is controlled only by entropy, which is a fairly dangerous proposition considering that in a movie, entropy is in the essentially god-like hands of the writer/director/producer.

(Note that this isn’t as bad as Lady in the Water, in which Night casts himself as a character who is destined to write a book that will change the world and therefore the target of the forces of darkness trying to kill him. Seriously.)

Which means that entropy is a plot device, but it can’t seem like a plot device. Tough call, and The Happening doesn’t make it. In what should be no small irony, “Cloverfield” pulls this exact balance off with no name actors, a smaller budget, and only the guy from Lost driving sales. That’s not to say Cloverfield’s a perfect movie – it’s not – but the randomness in that movie seems a lot less forced than it does here.

And The Happening’s beautifully shot – like every Night movie – but it just doesn’t coalesce. The characters don’t develop enough to a point where we care if they live or die, and they can say some wincingly strange things.

Like, Leguizamo says that his wife is in “the city of Princeton.” Who calls it that? Princeton is Princeton. And one character actually says “I see you’re eyeing my lemon drink.” Another says “I see in calculus.” I could go on.

Finally, there’s a completely telegraphed scene in which some paranoid people in a seemingly abandoned shack kill some of Wahlberg’s funky bunch after, weirdly, they freak out and try to break into the shack to get some food. They’ve been running for like a day? And the shack is seemingly abandoned? But they kick at the windows until they get shot. Watch the film – it’s at least watchable – and see if this scene doesn’t seem really, really forced.

Night really needs to either write or direct his next one, and not both. And definitely not produce it. The problem is that he’s been too good too soon; it just seemed like nobody had the authority to point out the problems with the movie before they got out the door. Problem is, snarky blog-writing movie audiences have no problem pointing out the emperor’s nudity.

Pop Quiz, Hotshot:

Some weird plot device is killing people up and down the east coast. You are fleeing with some refugees, and I ain’t talking about Lauryn, Hill, Wyclef and the other guy (who’s like, part of the Alex Winter All-Stars, now). You’re on the phone with your daughter, who’s in the town of Princeton, and there’s dead people all outside. She’s all panicked, and starts to spout really bad dialogue about being able to “see in calculus.”

You:

A: Turn up the volume on your phone and get away from the large group of people to try and talk her down.
B: I really can’t think of any other thing to do but A, so, like, A again, only you try to talk in calculus or something.
C: You turn the speakerphone on and let a whole crowd of people hear her jump out the window.

Yeah. For a movie about entropy and unexplained phenomena, the choices every character makes are incredibly, amazingly forced.

And lastly:

This is borrowed from the Mansquito book of strangeness: I watched this film at about 3am the other night, and went upstairs to my girlfriend, who’s sleeping. As I often do, I give her some sort of advice from the film I just saw. (For example:

• Cloverfield: “If a big monster ever attacks Philly, let’s not video tape it, let’s just get the hell out of town.”
• Dawn of the Dead: “If zombies attack, hopefully they’ll be slow zombies, otherwise we’re really screwed.”
• Shaun of the Dead: “If slow zombies attack, we should go get beers.”

And so on. After this movie, I said: “If some big disaster happens and we have to run, let’s not bicker about stupid couple stuff and focus on not getting killed.”

Seriously. Every once in a while during this movie, the forced backstory – Wahlberg and his wife are having marriage problems – resurfaces in a way that absolutely, positively, makes you want their characters to die. If you’re self-involved enough to bicker with your spouse five minutes after over a hundred people die like 100 yards from you, you are not a sympathetic individual for whom I will root. In Mansquito, you saw a lot of this. Few movies, The Happening included, want to be compared in this way to Mansquito.

This is another area where Cloverfield excels. For all the problems the main character had with his love interest girl, they went 100% out the window once cars started flying. I have to hope – I have to hope that’s what people really are like, and what I’d be like if, you know, fast zombies attacked.

What This Has to Do With Michigan Football and the Penn State Game:

Well, you know… it happened.

The Lost Boys 2

2008-10-13T19:09:00.004-04:00

I've been away at a convention for my dog. But in the meantime, I took in the Lost Boys double feature.

The first one? Classic, total classic. I loved how it seemed to make up the rules as it went along - like, vampires don't show up as vampires if you invite them into your house. Then again, the movie really was making up the rules as it went along. More to love.

But what's to love about Lost Boys 2?

Not a whole lot. The plot is that Michael and the girl (Star? Skylar? Whatver) had kids, then died in a car accident. (Uh huh). So one of their kids retires from being a surfer and they go to... yeah, that same vampire infested town.

(One cool thing - watch for the cameo of the shirtless long-haired saxophone dude from Lost Boys 1. That's the only subtle homage I saw).

Yeah, it's not so good. Keifer's brother - seriously - is the bad guy vampire, and he has half the intensity and, like, whoo... none of the acting ability. Like, we're talking cue cards, here. And that was the fun of Lost Boys 1! The bad guys.

The other bad guys are called "The Tribe," and, well... yeah. Not very interesting. One of them makes some seriously awkward Big Lebowski references, which is admirable but not impressive.

I guess you could say that about the whole film. The coolest parts are the deleted alternate endings and a small scene during the credits. And it really ain't worth waiting for them.

*sigh*. I guess I'm just depressed about the Toledo game. Which I may write about later. Or, you know, not.

Crap. Talk about the damn Lost Boys.

Meltdown: Days of... oh, forget it.

2008-09-30T23:24:00.004-04:00

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0478207/

Meltdown: Days of Destruction. With Casper Van Dien

So, yeah. Johnny Rico, going ahead and deciding that being typecast is better than being not cast at all, squaring off against… um… a heatwave. That’s it.

Don’t Be Fooled: This is no ordinary heatwave. This is like, hotter-than-a-Nelly-video-hot. See, a bunch of scientist – like 5 or 6 or so – got together and tried to blow up an asteroid with a ten-megaton nuclear bomb, in space. Big ups for using a “weapon in space,” but beyond that, it doesn’t make sense. The scientists are, like, in a break room from a manufacturing plant or something. Not exactly CTU, here. And they’re lobbing around nukes, and nobody’s paying any attention. What the?! I know that national news doesn’t go much beyond punditry, celebrity gossip and missing/dead affluent women, but really, there’s no journalist covering this?

But there is a journalist; local TV reporter Carly. She’s dating Rico, who’s a cop with a checkered past. Actually, not really, he just has an ex-girlfriend, Bonnie, with whom he has a daughter that he didn’t used to know about, but does now. The daughter is dating this criminal guy, who Rico sees on a stakeout, so he doesn’t like him. And that scientists, who thinks that blowing up the asteroid is a bad idea? That’s Carly, Rico’s new girlfriend’s, brother.

Everybody got that? Of course not. It’s like watching an episode of Friends, only, instead of the self-involved characters being annoying while not worrying about how they’re going to pay for their apartments (which must cost $20,000 a month), the self-involved characters in Meltdown are not worrying about the Earth hurtling into the sun.

Oh, yeah. That asteroid thing? Not so good. The jist of it is, it redirects the Earth’s orbit so that the earth starts getting just a little closer to the sun. This is problematic.

What It Has Going for It: …..

…

Well, there was this one time where Rico yells “Get down!,” and… nah.

…

Nah. Next section.

What Sucks About It: Let’s put it this way: it needed it some Grieco.

I’m no physicist. In fact, quite the opposite. I had Accelerated Physics in high school, and for my final project, I had to built this contraption that would protect and egg after I dropped it off the roof. What happened to my suspension of disbelief in this movie is not unlike what happened to my egg.

Which is to say, nothing good.

See, the big deal of the movie is that the earth is like, hurtling towards the sun. But nobody seems to notice this. Really? There’s not even a science blogger in Iceland who pays attention to this stuff?

Anyway, it gets really hot. Like, 120 degrees hot! In some town that is not prepared for, er, a heat wave of such magnitude. Which causes mass sunburn, water riots, the breakdown of civil order, and finally, yes, cars blowing up because the gas ignites because it’s so hot. Let’s pull the last one out. Is the flash point of gasoline really 130 degrees? Aren’t several middle eastern countries and countries on the equator 130 degrees in, like, summer? Wikipedia says that the autoignition temperature of gasoline is 475 degrees Fahrenheit. I mean, I can buy the Earth hurtling into the sun. But seriously.

Did they mean Celsius? Please say Celsius. But wait, 120 degrees Celsius would be above the boiling point of water, so like, Rico would just boil. They mean Fahrenheit.

And also, the big plot is that they’re all trying to get to an airport where the dissenting scientist guy knows a guy who can fly them to the arctic. But they are ambushed by bandits who run off with the scientist guy and the plot. Anyway, they’re waiting for this plane, and yeah, the plane blows up. OF COURSE THE PLANE BLOWS UP. All of the cars were blowing up. Lawn mowers were blowing up. Everything was blowing up.

And it seriously takes them three days (of destruction!) to get to the airport. Three days? Checking my notes, I have written “WHY CAN’T THEY DRIVE AT NIGHT” about five times, for different reasons (car blowing up, movie taking too long, etc).

Lastly, yeah, the movie ends when they run out of plot and it rains, which means, apparently, that everything’s going to be okay. Nobody actually does anything to solve any problems. It’s dues ex, only you don’t want the gods to save these people, because they annoy you. Except, like, and sorry to caps you again, THE EARTH IS STILL TOO CLOSE TO THE SUN. Does that mean that next year at this time, all the cars are blowing up again?

You know what? Nevermind. I don’t care. The whole thing was completely ridiculous. The whole movie was the functional equivalent of waking up in the middle of the night and thinking that your air conditioner is broken because you’re really warm, but you’re comfy, so you don’t want to get up and check, then it clicks on and you cool off and you fall back asleep. That’s it.

“Point Break: The Musical” Moment: You’re a cop on the run from a nasty heat wave with your girlfriend, your ex-girlfriend, your daughter (with the ex), her boyfriend who’s a criminal, and your girlfriend’s brother. A bunch of really dumb stuff happens, but in the meantime, your daughter’s boyfriend pulls a bunch of dudes off of her, pulls her out of a car that blows up because of a horrible plot device, and then stabs a dude who tries to kidnap her. But yeah, he’s sort of a criminal. At this point is he:

A. Still a dick that you have to be a jackass to for another half hour before you finally give him your trust.

B. Probably a decent guy

C.Stuck in the same awful, awful movie as you and therefore your brother.

Take a guess.

How This Relates to Michigan Football: Well, the parallel to the Wisconsin game is obvious. All you had to do to survive the “days of destruction” was, like, HANG AROUND and everything ends up okay at the end in a terrifically, ridiculously, and completely implausible way.

Michigan 27, Wisconsin 25

2008-09-27T20:43:00.002-04:00

"The Triangle" - It Only Feels Like It's Four Years Long

2008-09-15T23:24:00.009-04:00

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0271237/

The Triangle. Starring Luke Perry and Dan Cortese.Your bad guy is a geographic area that's possessed an old guy on a ship but the ship is also possessed. Kind of hard to pin down, actually.

Don’t Be Fooled: This isn’t the Sci-Fi Channel miniseries event starring Eric Stoltz. This is MUCH worse. Best for us to this “Luke Perry’s ‘The Triangle’” (it has a Tyler Perry ring to it) or LPTT for short.

Before I even get into reviewing the actual movie, which isn’t really worth it, I think it’s important to talk about the key differences between a movie like LPTT and “Mansquito.” It takes real skill to make a piece of art that’s objectively “bad” but still enjoyable for the intended audience. But to do so, I think, requires a level of self-awareness on the artist that the art is going to be “bad,” and nothing can stop it from being “bad,” so what the hell, let’s make that art about a transgendered mosquito/human hybrid and see what happens. That’s not to say that the art *will* be enjoyable for the audience, but it at least leaves the door open. It’s a more dangerous path into an artistic Bermuda Triangle when the artist makes art that’s likely to be objectively “bad” but doesn’t have a sense of humor about it. A stiff upper lip, like what’s seen in LPTT, is a severe liability; this film doesn’t have enough of a budget or enough talent to take itself seriously. Science fiction is a tough genre to do well these days; especially with a low budget. Off the top of my head, the really good Sci-Fi films I’ve seen with a tiny budget are: “Primer,” “Cube,” and, um, like “Cube 2.” It’s not easy. What we’ve got here, with LPTT, is a movie that doesn’t want to believe it’s going to be bad. But it has Dan Cortese on the cover.

Which brings us to the first mystery you’ll undoubtedly experience in the mysterious triangle; where the hell you remember Dan Cortese from and who, exactly, made him famous. To be honest, I thought the dude was a decathlete for a few minutes there. Then, a “Real World” cast member. I looked him up online, and still can’t remember. MTV Sports? That was a show?

Anyway, your opening sequence is Cortese in a vintage, on a cruise ship, walking down a corridor with blood on the walls. A woman, Olivia D’Abo (say it isn’t so) comes running towards him. Hell yeah! Action! Excitement! A Non-Stop Thrill Ride!

No. It’s a dream sequence. But hold onto it, because it’s like the only interesting thing that happens for the next hour. And a half. And you know what? Don’t hold onto it, because they actually replay the damn flashback three times.

(Which reminds me – is there really a plot device more insulting to the audience than an internal flashback? Seriously, I just saw whatever it was ten minutes ago. I’m not talking about “The Sixth Sense” style, where the internal flashback shows you scenes of the movie from a different angle (and telling a different story). I’m talking about an instant replay of the movie you’re watching. Seriously.)

Anyway, Cortese is a lawyer, Perry is his old friend who everyone thinks is rich but is really broke. They go on a marlin fishing trip to the triangle with their sidekick, the mythology-obsessed Guy Who Is Obviously Going to Die First, and a charter boat crew of two (a guy named Captain Morgan – hayo! – and D’Abo, yes, the woman of Cortese’s dreams).

Long, long, incredibly torturous story short, they go to the triangle, their fishing boat breaks down, they see the mysterious ocean liner from Cortese’s dreams, they board it, if you didn’t know that as soon as they boarded the thing their own boat would disappear you should really stop drinking and conserve brain cells, the boat is evil and cursed and stuff, Perry gets possessed and tries to take all the gold on board and kills most everybody, but then they kill him and blow up the ship.

But oh, boy, on the way, there’s just not a whole lot of:

What It Has Going for It: Pretty much everything that’s unintentional. D’Abo slips in and out of her British accent, but in a way that lends some credibility to her being a worldly Caribbean first mate.

The funniest part of the film is in the happy-super-fun part just before the evil stuff, when the characters are catching stock-footage marlin in the triangle. There’s a cutaway shot of Perry reeling in a marlin, but the tackle part of the reel is hidden off camera, and, well, let’s just go to the tape.

Awesome is the only word.

The only truly, honestly creepy part of the film comes at around the 1:41 mark. While running around generally being uninteresting, a character descends a staircase and you see a shadow at the top of the stairs. This really is some sweet M. Night cinematography, right? No. It’s the damn cameraman. Seriously. But for a split second, you think they actually got legitimately spooky.

At one point in the film, just about every character gets nailed upside the head with a cricket bat. If this isn’t a Lebowski homage - and it’s probably not - I just don’t want to know.But boy, by that point, you want them to "takes what they have on you and calls it even."

What Sucks About It: Back up the boat. There’s some weird voodoo sequence in the beginning where they stumble upon some vampire locals and run away. It’s just confusing.

While watching it, you’ll begin to notice that the evil and cursed boat is actually either lazy or just not very good at being evil and possessed. For example, it takes control of Perry and has him try to kill everyone off. Sure. But why not possess two people? Or everybody? About five or six times, after the characters leave a room, the ship turns knobs on its own, to break the radio, move an elevator, or just be generally creepy. Got it; the ship can do stuff on its own. So, at the end, Cortese blows up the ship by somehow knowing which valve to open on the deck to release fuel oil – let’s remember that he’s a lawyer, not Edgar from Deadliest Catch. The oil spills and spills while the good guys get away in a small boat, and the ship turns itself around and chases them. Cortese shoots a flare onto the ship and blows the ship up. You’re thinking – if the ship can turn itself around, why can’t it just close the valve?

Right at the end, there’s a scene where Cortese is walking down a hallway on the cruise ship, which is caked with blood. You get excited; maybe this is going to be a coming-full-circle moment, where he meets his destiny which he’s seen in his dreams – and so does D’Abo. Hell, maybe they’re actually dead or something, and this is them replaying their sad stories over and over again because of the evil mystery of the Triangle. It could happen – the old they’re-really-dead trick has been used to pretty solid effect a lot, but it still doesn’t get old. Mostly. So, sweet? No. Not sweet. It just turns into more running around and whacking with cricket bats.

But I’ll say this; that scene is the absolute scariest part of the movie, because therein you see the third instance of the internal flashback from the beginning of the film. It last just long enough where you’re a little concerned – irrationally so – that the film might actually be starting itself over again. When that prospect is more terrifying than the scares in the movie, you’re in some trouble.

“Point Break: The Musical” Moment: You’re on an evil haunted ship in the Bermuda triangle with your boyfriend, Luke Perry, and his buddies. You’re kind of a wet blanket, in that you didn’t want to intrude on his trip with his friends, but then once you intruded, you just want to go home. (The audience empathizes with you). Perry’s been acting weird since you got on the ship, half because he’s secretly broke, half because he’s possessed by some movie star from the 30’s. Don’t ask. Anyway, Perry’s wandering around like the Leprechaun trying to get the gold on the ship. While he’s away, his friend, the Guy Who’s Going to Die First, goes and dies. Of, like, a heart attack. So you find that Guy, and freak out, and now you’re running around the ship. You find Perry in the vault, loading pieces of eight into a chest of booty. (We wish; rather, he’s pointing at some papers and dancing around). The first point you make to him in this delicate situation is:

A. “While you’re off being possessed, your friend died.”

B. “Oh my God! Your friend died.”

C. “Put down the bearer bonds, Hans, your friend is dead.”

D. “Why are you so broke?!?” Followed, two minutes later, by mentioning that his friend is dead.

Take a guess.

Actual Quotes My Girlfriend Who Again Watched the First Twenty Minutes Before Falling Asleep: “Oh my god, that guy is so going to be the first guy who dies.”

Truth in Beauty and Vice Versa Moment: At the very end, after our heroes escape the triangle, there’s a voiceover news report from the carribbean that says that the survivors of the fishing boat Bluejay were picked up that day. But, the report says, that’s weird because the Bluejay was lost at sea four years ago. Woo-WOO-Woo! I know they were going for the old time-warp bit, but really, this is the most self-aware the movie gets. (Except for the part where you can see the cameraman.) By this time in the movie, you’ll think it’s been four years, too.

How This Relates to Michigan Football: Like the Notre Dame game, this is one to forget. The scariest parts are at the beginning, followed by what felt like four years of general unpleasantness, some gruesomeness, and then a vague disgust at the end that all of this could have been – and has been – done better. And it was really wet.

Phantom Force: You Just Said a Mouthful of Nothing

2008-09-09T22:40:00.005-04:00

Phantom Force. Your main character is played by Richard Grieco, and your bad guy is a rock.

You can stop reading now.

Don’t Be Fooled: That rock’s not a tourist attraction. Or whatever. The rock can unleash demons, who look an awful lot like rejects from “the black hole” at Raiders games. Which is useful for the purposes of the plot because, well, THE BAD GUY. IS A ROCK.

Finding the rock for you this evening are the Phantom Force, a super secret organization headed by a bald guy in a futuristic underground bunker. We know it’s futuristic, because all of the doors slide open automatically like Star Trek. (and, um, the grocery store). In the future, all doors are sliding doors. Walls, accordingly, are much thicker.

Apparently, the terrorists in Latvia (Estonia? Something like that) want to use the stone to unleash the an endless army of ancient ghost demons from their sleep-forever spell. Let’s stop if you think you’ve heard this one before. Yes. Yes, it does sound like MC Pee Pants from Aqua Teen. Only these demons are not unleashed so they can walk upon the earth. get resituated, and hawk the diet pills MC Pee Pants has created. To be honest, nobody ever really gets around to saying what they’d do with an endless army of ancient demons. But the terrorists want it, and so does America. And what would America do with an endless army of demons? Does the President need the advice and consent of the senate to deploy them? What if it’s only a police action?

Anyway, the problem is the stone’s on a submarine, so they have to go get it, but the submarine’s in another dimension, so they need a dude with a laptop to phase them into the ghost world… you know, it doesn’t really matter. At one point, and I’m not making this up, the head of the Phantom Force, bald guy, describes the objective to Richard Grieco and Grieco says “You just said a mouthful of nothing.” Richard Grieco, that is very, absolutely, true.

What It Has Going for It: Grieco. What is it with Sci-Fi channel b-movies and recycling pop-culture legends such as Parker Lewis and Grieco? What’s next? Molly Ringwald and Judd Nelson in “Mansquito 2: That’s My Mansquito”?

What Sucks About It: Well, when you think about a rousing action-adventure at high sea starring a former lead actor of “21 Jump Street,” your expectations are a little high. In this case, a little too high. Sure, Grieco looks like a pirate with his hair and general swarthiness, but, uh, he’s supposed to be a Delta Force/Ghostbuster guy. You best start believing in crappy sort-of ghost stories, Richard Grieco. You're in one!

“Point Break: Live” Moment: If you’re not hip to “Point Break: Live,” get so. As in that show, we’ll put you, the reader, in the position of a character in this film, Phantom Force. It’s up to you to decide what you’d do in this situation, then you can read what the character in the film actually does. In other words (and other Keanu movies), Pop Quiz, Hotshot.

Here’s the deal: You’re a hostage. Latvian (Estonian?) terrorists have taken over a chemical plant to get some Xenon gas so that they can keep fueling the stone which will release ancient demons to, like, run around hitting people with mallets and stuff wearing leather and generally looking like a renaissance festival gone terribly enthusiastic. Only, the takeover is really just a diversion and they’ve made a deal with the bald guy from Phantom Force but they’re going to double-cross him and… well, that’s not really important. What’s important is that they’ve strapped a bomb to your hands with some zip-cuffs. Luckily for you, Richard Grieco is disarming the bomb. I know, that doesn’t seem lucky, but he’s the star of the movie and it’s like 10 minutes into the movie, so your chances of blowing up are low. That being said, you’ve got 20 seconds before the bomb blows up. (You had two minutes, but I tried to explain the plot). With like 10 seconds to go, Grieco stops trying to disarm the bomb and just cuts the zip cuffs, freeing you from the bomb. You are now free from the bomb. The bomb is no longer attached to your wrists with twist ties. What do you do. What. Do you do.

1. Wonder aloud why Grieco didn’t just do that two minutes ago;

2. Stand around with a confused look on your face while Grieco tells you that it’s a fake and watches it count to zero;

3. Run very fast away from the bomb regardless of what Grieco has to say about it.

Take a moment. This is sort of life or death. You’re only an extra, and Grieco could easily survive an explosion.

Yeah. Well, those who are smart asses to the death would go with #1, and pretty much everyone in the entire world would go with #3. You’ll have to watch the film to see what happens. Or use deductive reasoning.

Nice bits: When, to get on the sub, they have to enter the fifth dimension. Also an Aqua Teen homage… on the moon, we have five. Thousand.

Also, the guy who is obviously the first guy to die? A soldier named Hudson. Game over, man!

At one point, and this must be why the director tried to have his name removed, the stone is making out with the submarine’s reactor core. No, seriously. And the core is overheating and demons are popping out of it. So, the Phantom Force runs away, seals the door to the reactor, and regroups. They realize that the sub’s going to be blown up in 10 minutes, so Grieco says “We need to get that stone and haul ass.” In the next scene, they’re loading the stone into their escape submersible. Seriously. Nevermind the overheating reactor core and demons.

Lastly, at the end, the stone turns into, well, a stargate. So Grieco shoots it with an RPG. Seriously. You can see this on the Sci-Fi channel’s web site. He shoots the bad guy – which is a stone – with an RPG.

Actual Quotes My Girlfriend Who Watched the First Twenty Minutes Before Falling Asleep: “That guy looks a lot older than Johnny Depp. He must be a drinker and a smoker. With his skin, I’m glad this isn’t in HD.”

How This Relates to Michigan Football: Did you see what sort of looked like a triple option play? Did you see what sort of looked like an option punt? Did you see us not run up the middle on a first down for like two straight games? We’re definitely in the fifth dimension.

Tom Brady Injured

2008-09-07T23:00:00.004-04:00

Tom Brady, Michigan product and NFL superhero, was tragically injured today. We wanted to cover the story, but we're also lazy:

~~Barbaro’s race~~ Brady's season ends in injury

By ~~Ken Murray~~ Weapons in Space

~~Sun Reporter~~

~~May 21, 2006~~ September 8, 2008

A spectacular day of ~~racing~~ football turned catastrophic when ~~Barbaro~~ Tom Brady, a ~~3-year-old colt~~ 31-year-old quarterback with a seemingly clear path to the ~~Triple Crown~~ Super Bowl, broke down in the first ~~furlong~~ quarter of the ~~131st Preakness Stakes~~ Patriots-Chiefs game yesterday and was fighting for his ~~life~~ career last night.

Instead of preparing for the ~~Belmont Stakes~~ Super Bowl and immortality in ~~three weeks~~ five months, ~~Barbaro~~ Brady left ~~Pimlico Race Course~~ Gillette Stadium about 7:30 p.m. in an equine ambulance, headed for surgery today at the University of Pennsylvania's George D. Widener Hospital for Large Animals at the New Bolton Center in Kennett Square, Pa. ~~Barbaro~~ Brady suffered fractures above and below his right hind ankle, an injury that at the least ended his ~~racing career~~ season and, according to attending veterinarian Dr. Larry Bramlage, was ~~life~~ career-threatening.

As the horrified crowd -- some crying, others screaming -- saw ~~Matz~~ Bill Belichick run to ~~Barbaro~~ Brady, one spectator yelled out to ~~Matz~~ Belichick, "Don't you dare kill that ~~horse~~ QB."

Last night at New Bolton, ~~Matz~~ Belichick said that doctors had adjusted the splint placed on the ~~horse's~~ QB's leg at ~~Pimlico~~ Gillette and that he was "resting comfortably."

"Hopefully, [Sunday] we'll have surgery on his right leg," ~~Matz~~ Belichick said.

Bramlage said the injury would require extensive surgery and posed significant risk to the ~~colt's~~ Patriot's recovery because of blood circulation issues.

"His ~~career~~ season is over. This is could be it for him as a ~~racehorse~~ QB," Bramlage said shortly before ~~Barbaro~~ Brady left ~~Pimlico~~ Gillette. "We're trying to save him as a stallion [for breeding].

A True Michigan Man. Squito.

2008-09-04T22:17:00.006-04:00

This is Mansquito, one of many films actually produced by the Sci-Fi channel, after their programming execs were frustrated with the b-movies they had to screen and buy.

Don’t Be Fooled: By the DVD cover. It’s not about a guy who can shoot mosquitoes from his mouth – though that would be cool. Rather, it’s about a guy who turns into a seven foot tall mosquito who’s hell bent on, um, mating with the female lead. Luckily, she’s turning into a wo-mansquito. See, there’s this outbreak of the West Nile Virus that’s threatening the globe – timely issue! – and the only way to stop it is with a controversial radiation experiment that might just work – hubris! – but has the potential for awful side effects if, say, a serial murderer accidentally gets blasted with untested serum stuff – destroyed by own hubris! – and, there you go, Mansquito. Loose in Baltimore. Which, if The Wire is accurate, makes me somewhat more concerned for Mansquito than for the general populace, depending on which part of the city the Mansquito ends up in.

So, yeah. Sort of like the Fly, with a little bit of “The Gadfly Solution” (Priestly!) from Masters of Horror mixed in there.

What It Has Going for It: With a name like Mansquito, the sky’s the limit. And hey! You may remember your lead actor, Corin Nemec, from TV’s “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose” (Itself an obvious Ferris Bueller homage which was later homaged as Van Wilder, etc, etc.). He’s doing what amounts to a James Woods impression, which goes over like this: imagine Matthew Broderick playing a tough-as-nails, take-no-prisoners cop. Only, less talent. And fighting a giant mansquito.

Also, there’s a totally awesome scene in which the woman who’s turning into the wo-mansquito eats a rare steak and about a pound of sugar.

Lastly, Mansquito’s motivation isn’t always to kill people; Sure, he’s got to feed, so, some people, he sucks their blood with a really disgusting snout. But more than that, he really just wants to do the nasty with the female lead, who’s Parker Lewis’s girlfriend. Finally, a character that the average Sci-Fi channel viewer – at least the ones watching this movie - can identify with.

What Sucks About It: Again, with a name like Mansquito, the sky’s the limit. Like most films, the characters in Mansquito do some fairly stupid things. This is to be expected; most of us wouldn’t necessarily turn into Snake Plissken if we’re confronted with a huge mosquito. However, the police continue to shoot at Mansquito with pistols, which are obviously ineffective. Didn’t *anyone* think to bring a can of raid or a bonfire of Citronella Candles?

At one point Nemec yells at a cop to get a SWAT team to a hospital, for reasons that aren’t important, and asks them to bring armor piercing rounds. The cop reacts with incredulity at the request. As if the Baltimore SWAT team possesses neither special weapons nor knowledge of special tactics.

And for some reason there’s an underground tunnel set that connects to every other filming location in the entire movie, which is awfully convenient.

We could go on, but you get the idea. For maximum enjoyment, make sure your disbelief is completely suspended by the time the opening credits end. Which reminds me:

Incorrectly Regarded as Goofs: As confirmed by the IMDB’s goofs page, the biggest plot hole in Mansquito is that, well, the Man part. (Er…) By this I mean, female mosquitoes are the only mosquitoes that go around sucking blood. Male mosquitoes order in, or something. So Mansquito sucks a lot – I mean, a lot – of blood, but really, he should be a fairly benign creature. I have two observations. One: It is *awesome* that we can criticize for its biological inaccuracy a movie where a guy turns into a life-size mosquito. Two: It makes perfect sense that the evil murderer guy was actually turned into a female mosquito as a result of the horrible accident. Who’s to say the serum stuff doesn’t switch the old genderino while it transforms a human into a mansquito? Which makes this film all the more complicated; the bad guy is dealing with his own (ahem) metamorphosis as well as his realization that he is, in a way, transgender. In this way, Mansquito may in fact be Corin Nemec’s most poignant and thought-provoking film.

How This Relates to Michigan Football: There’s a point in Mansquito where it is said about the bad guy: “He’s more mosquito than man, now.” This sums up Michigan’s game against Utah without any further explanation necessary.